Welcome
Here are some stories, poems and other interesting bits. I hope you enjoy.
********************************************************************************
Verse by Jim Darr appearing in the 1963 American Cocker Review.
Will You Love Me In September?
as told to Jim Darr by a litter of puppies......
Please listen to our story......
Hear our sad lament
We had a rosy future
But down the tubes it went.
I was a stand out puppy.....
A real cracker-jack
But at a year I blew my coat
and never got it back.
I was a flashy, hot-shot pup......
That everyone tried to buy
But now at a year and a half
I stand 17 inches high.
I was a whizz in the kennel......
A gay, happy thing, a clown
But when I got in the show ring
I kept my tail glued down.
It looked like I would be truley great.....
Hard to find one greater
But, when I reached maturity,
I had a head like an alligator!
I, too, was a lovely pup.......
Merry, well marked and sound
But now I weigh in at 40,
Give or take a pound.
I'd have been a champ for sure.......
Except for a couple trifles
For reasons which cannot be explained
I developed 2 slipped stifles.
I had a brilliant puppy career.......
Championship seemed a cinch
But after I was 8 months old
I didn't grow an inch.
I was the "Pick Of The Litter".........
The best of an outstanding lot
And then, my second teeth came in
That's right, quite undershot.
I was gonna knock 'em dead........
When I got a little older
But I somehow got quite cow-hocked
And loaded in the shoulder.
I was the answer to a prayer........
The end of a diligent hunt
And hearts just broke when I became
Soft-backed and wide in front.
We really are quite sorry........
That we turned out losing bets
We are last Spring's Hopefuls
And this years lovely pets.
*********************************************************************************************
One Dog Is No Trouble And Two Are So Funny
The Third One Is Easy, The Fourth One's A Honey
The Fifth Is Delightful, The Sixth One's A Breeze
You Find You Can Live With A Housefull With Ease
So How 'Bout Another? Would You Really Dare?
They're Really Quite Easy, But Oh Lord, The Hair!
With Dogs On The Sofa And Dogs On The Bed
And Crates In The Kitchen, Its No Bother You Said
They're Really No Trouble, Their Manners Are Great
What's Just One More Dog And One More Little Crate?
The Sofa Is Hairy, The Windows Are Crusty
The Floor Is All Foootprints, The Furniture's Dusty
The Housekeeping Suffers But What Do You Care?
Who Minds A Few Noseprints And A Little More Hair?
So Let's Keep A Puppy, You Can Always Find Room
And A Little More Time For The Dust Cloth And Broom
There's Hardly A Limit To The Dogs You Can Add
The Thought Of A Cutback Sure Makes You Feel Sad
Each One Is Special, So Useful, So Funny
The Food Bill Grows Larger, You Owe The Vet Money
Your Folks Never Visit, Few Friends Come To Stay
Except Other Dog Folks Who Live The Same Way
Your Lawn Has Now Died And Our Shrubs Are Dead Too
Your Weekends Are Busy, Your Off With Your Crew
There's Dog Food And Vitamins, Training And Shots
And Entries And Travel And Motels Which Cost Lots
Is It Worth It You Wonder? Are You Caught In A Trap?
Then That Favorite Comes Up And Climbs In Your Lap
His Look Says You're Special And You Know That You Will
Keep All The Critters In Spite Of The Bill
Some Just For Showing And Some Just To Breed
And Some Just For Loving, They All Fill A Need
Winter Is A Hassle But The Dogs Love It True
And They Must Have Their Walks Tho' You Are Numb And Blue
Late Evening Is Awful, You Scream And You Shout
At The Dogs On The Sofa Who Refuse To Go Out
The Dogs And The Dog Shows, The Travel, The Thrills
The Work And The Worry, The Pressure, The Bills
The Whole Thing Seems Worth It, The Dogs Are Your Life
They're Charming And Funny And Offset The Strife
Your Lifestyle Has Changed, Things Just Won't Be The Same
Yes Those Dogs Are Addictive And So's The Dog Game!
Author Unknown
*********************************************************************************************
DOGS
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben
Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And
in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M.
Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events.
The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog
news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the
next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin
P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from
a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
-Unknown
*********************************************************************************************
Not just a gift.... a life...
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With no thought of the dog filling their head.
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
I knew he was cold, but didn't care about that.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Figuring the dog was free of his chain and into the trash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Santa Claus - with eyes full of tears.
He unchained the dog, once so lively and quick,
Last years Christmas present, now painfully thin and sick..
More rapid than eagles he called the dog's name.
And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain;
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Let's find this dog a home where he'll be loved by all"
I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year,
For Santa Claus had made one thing quite clear,
The gift of a dog is not just for the season,
We had gotten the pup for all the wrong reasons.
In our haste to think of the kids a gift,
There was one important thing that we missed.
A dog should be family, and cared for the same.
You don't give a gift, then put it on a chain.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"You weren't given a gift! You were given a life!"
Doris Koeneman
*********************************************************************************************
*********************************************************************************************
*********************************************************************************************
1. Dog Groomer Barbie - This Barbie is always brushing, trimming, clipping
and bathing. Her only draw back is that she is constantly wet and covered
with hair. Comes with clippers, grooming table, comb, brushes, scissors,
grooming smock, lint brush and Band-Aids. This Barbie is so busy, her
canine clients
often look better than she does.
2. Dog Handler Barbie - She comes with a moveable arm which can be snapped
into place for perfect show handling. No way to lose with this Barbie
beauty showing your mutt. She will do anything
to win. She has been known to sleep with judges. This Barbie includes the
book, "How to Suck Up and Win," along with many pocketed outfits for showing
Motor home sold separately.
3. Dog Handler Assistant Barbie - She's a handler wannabe who loves abuse.
She is covered with hair, chalk and grooming spray. She comes with her
pockets stuffed with assorted leashes, collars, combs, squeaker toys, and
brushes. She is often seen with a variety of spray bottles hanging from her
belt. She always smells of liver and has dark circles under her eyes. She
has permanent leash marks on her hands from dogs whose owners insisted they
were trained. She comes with all of the above plus a stress management
video.
4. Dog Show Judge Barbie - This Barbie is looking for the right dog. After
many years of picking "losers" for men, Judge Barbie is content finding
winners" in the dog ring. She comes with clipboard, granny glasses, frumpy
dress, the AKC guidelines on the perfect dog, a white glove to detect
foreign substances, sensible shoes and a current rabies shot.
5. Dog Show Chairman Barbie - A blunder on our part, this Barbie comes
complete with a case of Lady Clairol, prescriptions for Valium and Prozac
and an unlisted phone number.
6. Ring Steward Barbie - This Barbie is shy and reserved. She wears Nike
running shoes for those quick trips to the potty due to lack of relief
stewards. She comes with a map of the show site, so she can find her way
back to the ring, crying towel for those inconsolable losers, rubber bands,
armbands and a megaphone for the hard of hearing She also has a monogrammed
folding chair for her use only.
7. Junior Handler Barbie - She is always a winner in her own mind. She
comes complete with a short skirt, a ponytail, and a bad attitude.
Unfortunately her life span is very short.
8. Pooper-Scooper Barbie - This Barbie has no sense of smell (for obvious
reasons) and is a glutton for punishment. She comes with a pooper scooper,
muck boots, an orange vest, a lighten miner's helmet for those evening
pickups, a sack of shavings, bleach, a mop and a bucket. She is often found
surrounded by flies and "cleanup" is her middle name. She has a Certified
Sanitation Engineer Degree through her local Community College.
9. Dog Show Vendor Barbie - This Barbie is not cheap and neither is her
merchandise. She comes complete with a vending tent and sunscreen. She
also has a variety of dog related items. If this Barbie doesn't have it,
they don't make it.
10. Dog Show Photographer Barbie - This Barbie is truly a sight to behold.
Her photographer's vest is loaded with no less than 50 rolls of assorted
film and a multitude of squeaker toys to get your dog's attention. She
never takes a bad photo and will refuse to shoot ugly dogs. If you mention
her name in your ad, she will give you and extra 8 x 10 for free!
11. Whelping Barbie - This Barbie completes our line of Dog Show Barbies.
She goes anywhere help is needed. She births babies at a moment's notice.
Comes with van, cell phone, dental floss, KY jelly, scissors, towels, goat's
mils, forceps, coffee and a pillow for those endless nights.
*********************************************************************************************
10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose
walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
*********************************************************************************************
The Family Dog - Author Unknown
The family's dog was bought to guard,
Chained to a post in a chilly backyard,
Housed in a shed that was airless and dark,
And every few weeks had a run in the park.
When boredom set in with no fun and no work,
One day it broke loose and went quietly berserk.
Pa couldn't fathom just why it went wild,
As it flattened his wife and then bit his child.
The police were called in to sort out the mess,
And the whole sorry tale was revealed in the press.
The Rescue society was really annoyed,
So, the dog was re-homed, and the owners destroyed.
*********************************************************************************************
